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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in i've got a secret..'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 15th, 2009
9:20 am
Pretty lyrics
It's been a year now, since you were here now
And I've been trying to heal inside
Dedications have all been placed
And I see your resemblance in my face
And on our birthday I said an extra wish for you, for you

And I have learned so much since you've been gone
And I have done so little for so long
So now I'll settle up these grievances and focus on the savory
And wave all these discrepancies away
And I'll peter out these misconceptions, give out faith at my discretion
Live a life that you would think was sane, sane

Displaying changes, being made
And I wonder if you ever really wanted it this way
And in your memory they even hung a plaque for you, for you

And I have learned so much since you've been gone
And I have done so little for so long
So now I'll settle up these grievances and focus on the savory
And wave all these discrepancies away
And I'll peter out these misconceptions, give out faith at my discretion
Live a life that would think was sane, sane
Monday, December 29th, 2008
2:27 am
hard to get
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here?
Where we all scrape to find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away?
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love thats not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness, did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
Friday, December 5th, 2008
5:00 pm
Hello

Does anyone have any groovy craft ideas? Groovy is such a neat word. Last night I made paper snowflakes! That was pretty neat.

I'm still living up in Michigan with Alan [info]wolfamongsheep

It's kind of neat because I met him on here to begin with. He never updates but you all would like him anyways. Half of you are Martial Artist too, and the other half love zombies and fun geeky stuff. Maybe if he gets some people to comment on stuff he'll start

Sooo yeah. That's about it. I've been sick the past couple of weeks, and a couple of weeks the week before that so the level of exciting activities to report is kind of limited. We got some excellent deals on furniture, we now have a couch and loveseat in our living room! :D It actually is looking like a home. Also, there's all kinds of neat resteraunts up here, I've been able to try so many things that I haven't before! We went to a place called Mr. Kabobs? (I think) It was really really yummy :3 For Thanksgiving he made steak and broccoli! So we didn't get all burnt out on turkey. He fixes a pretty mean steak.


That's about it, there's some other random things, and a few fun things. I hope everyone is doing alright.

Thursday, November 6th, 2008
5:54 am
Does anyone have bento ideas?
I have a big list of things to do today! I'm finishing up my last hour at work, and it's SLOW, so I'm allowed to make a quick post complaining about all the things I have to do. ;) I like where I'm working now, but I came in to something a little dissapointing tonight, I was promised a fulltime position here, with an average of around 40 hours a week. The next week they only have me scheduled for 34, then the next for 32. I don't think I will qualify as fulltime if they're going to do that, and that means I won't qualify for insurance.. I'm going to apply to a few jobs just in case, and talk to my manager.

Tonight I'm fixing chili for Alan! We bought ground turkey a bit back and he wants to use it up. I found a neat Rachel Ray recipee online that looks pretty yummy. I started reading through her website and she had some cute packed lunch ideas that got me all fired up to start making bentos again! I want to make healthy things for Alan and me so we have more energy. He has sooo much to do, and has to keep his mind awake to do them well. Do any of you know any foods that help with your memory? Or hell, any cute bento ideas? Or just cute lunch ideas? I doubt he'd get sick of asian-themed food, but I'd like to make a wide range of things. Do any of you pack food anywhere? If you all want I can post pictures of what I make for us, he brought his camerae so I can take pictures when I look at furniture.

I have fallen head over heels for IKEA. Next to Alan and Vernors it is by far the best part of Michigan.

Last night Alan suprised me and came home early! I was really happy because we don't get to spend that much non-stressed-out time together. He took me to Wendys and then to the bookstore! We both nabbed copies of Ted White and Blue (Ted Nugent's new book) and poked through them. It was cute because he reads about the same speed that I do, we'd flip the pages about the same time. I know it's dorky but that made me feel all warm and fuzzy. I also picked up information on their club meetings there, I am going to make good on my promise to myself to push out and meet new people.

Guess I'd better start printing directions on all the stores I want to visit today. I hope you are all doing better, I know that most of my friends are still stressed out/having trouble right now, feel free to call if you want to talk...or if you want to visit.... ():)
Monday, November 3rd, 2008
2:34 am
Winters come early this year~
Fwee! 

I am much better now! For about a week I was sleeping around 10 hours a day trying to get better. I was not adapting well to the cold here. Alan let me borrow his fleece and an extra coat until I find my own warm clothes. ..I don't really want to give him back his coats though cause I like the way they smell. They make me feel safe. Maybe I can talk him into sleeping on my clothes like the kitty likes to sleep on his! It's not been easy adjusting to each other either. He is busy a lot, and I'm gone when he's there. We've grown a lot together though since I've been here. I feel really hopeful that everything will work out. It just always seems to with him. I feel closer to him than I ever have with anyone else, and that's a lot different than what I've known. Most of the guys I've dated felt like strangers to me the entire time. I don't think any of them ever really got me. A lot of that was probably my fault, but I'm not complaining. I like who I'm with now. :3

My folks are taking things suprisingly well. I've felt for years that I was walking a tight-rope with them, telling them a little, keeping a lot back, then trying to balance it all. Of course they don't agree with my moral choices, but I knew that. What I didn't expect was they haven't threatened to take away my jeep, or cut me out of their will, etc. :P I'm not really over the top feeling that they would, they threatened to every time in the past that I did something, or was living somewhere that they didn't aprove of. I think that they are a little scared that they're losing me, and don't want to push me the rest of the way out the door. They've never made my life exactly easy, but they've supported me more than some parents I know, and I've always loved both of them and been grateful for the time and money they've invested in me. I'm hoping that we can work our relationship out as well. The next couple of weeks are going to be really crucial. They're angry and hurt, and I've been angry and hurt for years. So we'll see. We're all trying though, and that means a lot in the scheme of things.

I still haven't made any real friends here yet. Alan has been great, and spending as much time with me as he possibly can. I did get to meet his friend Dawn and her kid, they were both really nice to me, and we all had a lot of fun trick or treating! Alan said that she liked me, and that made me happy. Everyone here at work has been nice to me as well, but I'm really gun shy of making any more friends through work, I got screwed over really badly last time. In all fairness I haven't made myself get out and try yet. There's just so much to take care of, and I still have a lot of unpacking to do. I need to devote time to developing more contact with supportive people though. I think that will be a really important stress outlet for me and Alan, because it will make him feel better knowing I have friends here, and I will not have to go for long stretches without spending time with anyone. I will try hard, There's a lot more to take care of though, I need to take the GRE again and get into a school program, or go ahead and choose another career path and start on it. ..Not to mention find some damned furniture! Maybe my folks will bring up my tables and computer desk..

I hope all of you are doing well. Let's all keep striving for a happier future! I'm excited about all I'm learning and experiencing, it makes me nearly giddy sometimes. :3

Current Mood: happy
Thursday, August 7th, 2008
11:17 am
My Alan is coming! My Alan is coming!!!


ho shit i need to clean >.<

Current Mood: busy!
Friday, July 11th, 2008
1:57 pm
rawr
i can watch Malcolm in the Middle!! :D 

Current Mood: accomplished
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
7:58 pm
You know I never really said it. I was too messed up, and I didn't want to explain it because then, that makes everything a lot more real. I just kept trying to comment on the nicer parts. ..Mostly. I kind of jumped in my journal from having problems with Jon, to suddenly talking to someone "new". Who isn't new at all, I've known (and liked) him for years. I found out that Jon was still lying about a lot of important things. So much so that it made everything false for all intents and purposes. There was no real point in sticking around after that. Turned my world topsy turvy for a good while. Alan threw me a lifeline and I clung like a drowning cat in a bathtub of wet angry poodles. It's not an understatement to comment that I owe him my sanity. He kept me from completely folding in and giving up. Last year was full of general everything seems to go wrongness. I lost a lot of people who were important to me in a lot of different ways. Nothing on the job front really panned out the way I wanted it to. (In a very big way). And I was just kind of bumfuzzlefucked about a lot of different situations. 

As of now? If I was completely honest I'd say I'm still a little dazed and shellshocked. Still kind of spinning around in the poodle infested waters. I don't feel so brutally alone through it though. And I'm trying to improve myself. While I'm talking to Alan I'm actually happy. :) Not really spinning those moments at all. The rest..well we'll see. 

Today is good. Saturday I'm dragging my roomate Ashley to Kings Island, because I've decided we both need to get out and blow off a lot of steam and just have fun. I found a site to order tickets and save 10 dollars, does anyone know of any better discounts? Also, if you're in the Lexington area and love rollercoasters, I don't mind if you'd like to come along as long as we still have room in the car! As of now there's only two of us :) Maybe one of you need a day away too.
Saturday, June 21st, 2008
11:43 pm
clearing out room

Have any of you tried to sell any of your used books with any success in Lexington? i have a mountain that i would like to sell.

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
1:19 pm
Happy Birthday to me!
i turned OLD today!

Current Mood: old
Sunday, June 8th, 2008
7:20 pm
Writer's Block: Banished to Space.
If you were exiled to outer space, where would you be sent and what would you bring along?
i would sign on as Captain Reynold's long lost crew member and bring along my towel. :p
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
8:39 pm
the end of an anchor - dashboard
I was away for a while
But I'm hoping someday you'll forgive me
Though I don't deserve it
I'll cherish it well if you give me one of your new starts

Just one more last chance
I swear that I'll earn it
If you front me for now
I'm good for it I swear
I'm better now I swear

In earlier days, they'd persecute people
They'd carry them off, and hobble their legs
For lesser offenses, and how I have harmed you
And still you allow me to walk free of pain

Though I punish myself
I will never settle
The debts I've incured for scorning the face
Of absolute beauty, and measureless grace
And though I once mocked you
I'm dying to pay for it now
I'm dying to pay for it now

So hand me the rocks to help weigh me down
And tether my legs with a cord tightly bound
To the end of an anchor thrown into the sound
And test me to see if I will rise against the worst that it can get

I wasn't well for a while
I savored the things that I knew were sure to destroy me
And that seemed to hold me
That seemed to carry me where I couldn't go
On the strength of my own
Well, I should've known
That gets me nowhere
I've learned that now I swear

In earlier days, they'd persecute people
They'd carry them off, and hobble their legs
For lesser offenses, and how I have harmed you
And still you allow me to walk free of pain

Though I punish myself
I will never settle
The debts I've incured for scorning the face
Of absolute beauty, and measureless grace
And though I once mocked you
I'm dying to pay for it now
I'm dying to pay for it now, now, now

So hand me the rocks to help weigh me down
And tether my legs with a cord tightly bound
To then end of an anchor thrown into the sound
And test me to see if I will rise against the worst that it can get

Well, I wasn't sure that I could
Well, I wasn't sure that I could
Well, I wasn't sure that I could
But, I can
Thursday, June 5th, 2008
1:44 pm
The Fable of the Moth - Peter S. Beagle
Once there was a young moth who did not believe that the proper end for all mothkind was a zish and a frizzle. Whenever he saw a friend or a cousin or a total stranger rushing to a redezvous with a menorah or a Coleman stove, he could feel a bit of his heart blacken and crumble. One evening, he called all the moths of the world together and preached to them. "Condisder the sweetness of the world," he cried passionately. "Consider the moon, consider wet grass, consider company. Consider glove linings, camel's hair coats, fur stoles, feather boas, consider the heart-breaking, lost-innocence flavor of cashmere. Life is good, and love is all that matters. Why will we seek death, why do we truly hunger for nothing but the hateful hug of the candle, the bitter kiss of the filament? Accidents of the universe we may be, but we are beautiful accidents and we must not live as though we were ugly. The flame is a cheat, and love is the only."

All the other moths wept. They pressed around him by the billions, calling him a saint and vowing to change their lives. "What the world needs now is love," they cried as one bug. But then the lights egan to come on all over the world, for it was nearing dinnertime. Fires were kindled, gas rings burned blue, electric coils glowed red, floodlights and searchlights and flashlights and porch lights blinked and creaked and blazed their mystery. And as one bug, as though nothing had been said, every moth at that historic assembly flew off on their nightly quest for cremation. The air sang with their eagerness.

"come back! Come back!" called the poor moth, feeling his whole heart sizzle up this time. "What have I been telling you? I said that this was no way to live, that you must keep yourselves for love -- and you knew the truth when you heard it. Why do you continue to embrace death when you know the truth?"

An old gypsy moth, her beauty ruined by a lifetime of singeing herself against nothing but arc lights at night games, paused by him for a moment. "Sonny, we couldn't agree with you more," she said. "Love is all that matters, and all that other stuff is as shadow. But there's just something about a good fire."

moral: Everybody knows better. That's the problem, not the answer.

all credit to Peter S. Beagle :p i couldn't write this if i wanted. i just wanted to share it with everyone.
Sunday, June 1st, 2008
11:14 am
Words are always getting in my way..
i finished the short story "Two Hearts" by Peter S Beagle a few minutes ago. It's a short introduction to what he commented would become a sequel to The Last Unicorn. My heart leapt  while I was reading. That's all I'm able to say about it.


The other short stories have been amazing as well. The book is called The Line Between, if anyone is interested.

Current Mood: touched
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
12:54 pm
i would rather rot alone than spend a minute with you (i'm gone, i'm gone)
Came across this in Jonathan Carroll's book Glass Soup.

    Part of life is a quest to find that one essential person who will understand our story. But we choose wrongly so often. Over the ensuing years that person we thought understood us best ends up regarding us with pity, indifference, or active dislike.
    Those who truly care can be divided into two categories; those who understand us, and those who forgive our worst sins. Rarely do we find someone capable of both.
   


Current Mood: pleased
Saturday, May 17th, 2008
8:01 pm
and all i can do is tell you the truth

i made my first bento lunch for work! if only i had a cam to show everyone! (maybe my roomate will let me borrow hers again). The first one turned out really cute!! It wasn't the healthiest, and probably didn't fit the "bento guidelines". But it was really cute!!! Hehe. i fixed sweet rice with onion and carrots, chicken, and a boiled egg. The boiled egg was for Cora. i cut the chicken into fish shapes and had them swimming around the egg! Then i made star designs with the onion and carrot. :) The second bento was just an omeraisu, and i added a strawberry muffin that i fixed in the morning. i'm cooking more and more to save money. (and to cut back on the nasty greasy crap i love to eat so much).  And yes, i do feel a lot better since i've been doing this! i have more energy (though i still love naps) and i don't feel so gross! hehe. 

Cora is still doing really good. She's happy. Her favorite thing to do is to curl up under my shirt. It can be kind of awkward if there's people around, and she's trying to nosedive down the front of my shirt. Then, if she hasn't settled, having a strange lump squirm around looks kind of odd i suppose. (This happens if i'm feeding her at work and she won't go into her pouch). 

i draw all the time now. This week there was a picture each day! ^^ They're not amazing, but it makes me happier to get some of the stuff swirling in my head on paper. i watch a lot of House too, and study study. i'm working slowy toward what i want, and i'm mostly happy while doing it. i don't like all the waiting, but it's silly not to have fun and enjoy yourself while you're "waiting" because then you just live in that mindset of always waiting for the next good thing. i try to keep that mindset, it works sometimes. Compared to where i was, i'm doing a lot better. i miss my friends. (both online and the ones i see from time to time). We all get busy, and it gets harder to spend time together. i really doubt i'll be in Kentucky after my lease is up (in jan) though. So let's spend time before then, shall we? :) 

There's still bad things, but i'm not floored anymore. Alan keeps helping me. i'm more lucky than i deserve. i hope you're all doing well.



Current Mood: good
Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
9:57 am
This was on my list of things to do...
</div>

i love strawberries! Nyum Nyum *gnaws arm*

Current Mood: anxious
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
10:57 pm
i'd like to see you undone..
Curty sent me the pictures of Cora that he took when he got his cookies! :) i have to share and brag on my baby..



she was chowing down on melon!
9:18 am
Writer's Block: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
What is one thing you MUST do before you go to bed at night?
Bedtime story or be talked to sleep. i can't get my mind to stop swirly-ing in circles otherwise. 
Monday, May 5th, 2008
8:35 pm
Swing swing from the tangles of my heart..

Alan wanted a picture of Chi this week. This one had a lot of meaning for me, but i'm not going to go into it here. It felt good to get it on paper. i used gimp to color it (yes Mike i actually use that now!) 

Most things have been pretty consistant. i'm still studying for the infernal GRE and working on my grad school application. i don't expect to get in, so i'm not allowing myself to get my hopes up. However, i will try anyways. if i don't get in, i'll retake a few classes next semester and try again. if i don't get in ever, i'll do art therapy. take that U(c)K! 

i'm kind of skeptical about it all though. just because i get the degree doesn't mean i get a job in the degree. i'd really rather not waste a lot of time and money to get turned down when i apply places. 

Cora is doing great, she's really coming along. The past two nights she's not been bitey at all. She makes happy chirps when i spend time with her, especially when food is involved. i'm very happy that she's part of my family now :). Life as a sugar glider must be nice...she gets pets, plenty of yummy treats, and all kinds of naptime during the day, then partyy!!! at night. i wish i was a sugar glider :( i'll practice my sugar glider face for when Alan visits, maybe i'll talk him into letting me have a human-pouch yet! 

i feel pretty boring when i post now, but that's alright. :) The past year had been hell. Really why i didn't say much of anything for so long. it's a lot less crazy now, and i'm very grateful for that. Maybe everything will get crazy again, but at least i have a little break for now. ^^

Hope you all are doing well.




Current Mood: purr
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